The Sordid Life of Action Figures - Episode II

The Tale of
SPIDEY & SASQUATCH

Being a super-powered individual is a rough life. Sometimes the bad guys mess up and things are easy - like when they reveal their entire evil plan right before they're about to hit the Doomsday button, giving you an opportunity to save the world and get the girl yet again, right when the timer hits 0:01. This is basic stuff. Superhero 101. What they don't tell you is the other, non- 'fate of the world' type stuff. Like how to hold down a real job when you have to go zipping around town all day rescuing babies from burning buildings and preventing pedestrian fatalities. Never mind trying to have a decent relationship, especially if you can't reveal your secret identity to anyone.

It's not easy to make friends being a superhero either. There are frequent ego clashes, and a lot of 'my powers are way better than yours' sentiment all around. Sometimes, however, things just seem to work out. This is such a tale.

Spider-man had always led a double life. By day, he was nerdy Peter Parker - barely making the rent, having trouble with women, failing college and getting yelled at by JJ Jameson all day. (We all saw the movies.) At night he'd prowl the rooftops as Spider-man. This was his time to really shine. What a lot of folks didn't know was that there was a reason why he was always cracking jokes and taking off from place to place all the time. It seems that there was a different 'Mary Jane' that had recently taken hold in Spidey's life...just a puff or two to get 'in the zone'....

Meanwhile, in the backwoods of  British Columbia, Sasquatch was having problems of his own. Since the break-up of Alpha Flight, he'd been wandering from place to place without much purpose. His relationship with Aurora (aka Jeanne-Marie Beaubier) had long since disintegrated, and the other AF members didn't really want to have much to do with him anymore - except maybe Puck, but Sas always found him kind of annoying. In his mind, they were all a bunch of wussy crybabies who couldn't handle a little berserker rage now and again. (It's not like the Canadian Government couldn't just spring for another super-stealth spy plane....)

 Although capable of reverting to his human state whenever he felt like it, Sasquatch always preferred to remain in beast form. Sure, Walter Langkowski might find it easier to go to the supermarket or score with the ladies, but Walter also couldn't scare the pants off of hikers, smash down walls with his fists or launch a jay-walker into space. Things just seemed better - more natural, and more fun - when you're 10ft tall and bristling with orange hairy muscles. Being in Sasquatch form also allowed him to drink a lot more beer....which he did as often and as much as possible.

Peter Parker, desperately needing the work, took an assignment from the Daily Bugle to investigate a series of strange happenings in Vancouver. It seems that someone had been breaking in to the local breweries and stealing all of their stock. Many head of cattle had also gone missing in the area, and an emu farm had been stripped clean of all its birds. There was a lot of damage to the buildings and reports of loud, monstrous growling and belching sounds. There were no eyewitnesses, but several plaster casts were made of the large footprints left at each of the crime scenes. Although Peter was there to photograph the carnage, it was Spidey who would head up the real investigation. He decided to stake out the next logical target of the robberies - a warehouse full of beer near the outskirts of town, not far from the last crimescene.

"Spider-sense tingling.....smell of wet dog and stale beer in the area....it can only be...."

"Sasquatch!"

"Listen here, little bug-man," said Sas, "This is my turf, and I don't need no snot-nosed American tourist sniffin' around my business! Back off and let me get back to getting wasted!"

"I think you've had enough already,"  said Spidey.

Obviously, that was the wrong thing to say. With surprising speed, the orange behemoth grabbed Spider-man, threw him to the ground and began to show him how they deal with trouble-makers up here in Canada....

...with a couple of extra shots thrown in just for being a wise ass.

Suddenly, with an excellent demonstration of why he's called the Amazing Spider-man, the web-slinger quickly rolled away and recovered, then retaliated with a hard kick to the Sas-crotch.

Although it completely (and thankfully) covers his entire 'naughty' areas, all that orange fur doesn't provide much in the way of padding...

Ol' Web-head quickly sought higher ground...

...safely out of the reach of the now-berserk Sasquatch.

After a while, when both of the combatants had calmed down somewhat, Spidey thought he might appeal to Sasquatch's better nature.

"Listen Buddy," he said, "I don't know about you, but I'm hurtin' pretty bad...I think there's a few teeth floating around loose inside this mask right now. I know you're a straight ahead guy, and you're not hurting anybody (except me) - you're just looking to get your drink on and all that. Truth is, I could use a few myself! Whaddya say I come down there and we work something out?"

And they did just that. They talked for a while about their respective problems and found out that they had much more in common than they could imagine. After a few days in Canada, Spidey decided he didn't want to go home. His job sucked, his girlfriend was a basket case (always whining about Broadway shows and whatnot - you saw the movie), and Aunt May could take care of herself for once. Sasquatch basically had nowhere to go, so the two decided to stick together and see what kind of excitement they could find.

Vancouver was starting to get pretty stale after the first month, although they did have a lot of good times there. They even managed to double date with Catwoman and the She-Hulk a couple of times. When the two decided to take a road trip, She-Hulk even lent them her car (unknowingly; when she wasn't looking). Spidey and Sas were on the road! They immediately set out for the bright lights of Las Vegas.

Needless to say, that town hadn't seen anything like it since Hunter S. Thompson was there in the 60's...drugs, alcohol, money, women and all-around super-powered partying. Many hotel rooms (and a few cars and a tour bus) were trashed. Their vacation was truly the stuff of comic book legends.

Their stay was not without its' problems, though. The heat was murder for Sas' fur, and a horrible 'backwoodsy' smell accompanied him wherever he went. Spidey gambled away all their money and had a bad trip out in the desert, but thankfully, Sasquatch was there for his friend.

After much soul-searching, the two decided that it was time for a new direction. They needed some cash. Sas saw a newspaper ad looking for superheroes to form a new team back up in Canada. It was the brand new start they both needed. They got back in the car and headed for Winnipeg....

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to be continued...

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Until next time:

May the Force be with you...

Marvel Legends - Spider-Man

The latest addition to my collection is Movie Spider-Man from the Sandman series. I paid $2 for him at Value Village (second hand store). He came in a bag with two other figures - another 4" Spidey and a 3.5" Thing from the Fantastic Four movie. I don't think I'll do much photography with these other two, but the 6" Marvel Legends Spider-Man rules!


When compared to any of the other ML figs I have, he's way more poseable and very expressive. He's got more articulation than you can shake a stick at - ankles, fingers, torso, elbows, wrists and toes. Basically, almost any pose you see Spidey strike in the comics or movies you can emulate with this figure.

Spider-Man (Movie Version)


Normally, I'd do a somewhat detailed biography of each new character in my collection, but seeing as it's freakin' Spider-Man, I won't bore you with re-telling that old story again. At least 85% of the planet knows who he is because of comics, cartoons and (especially) the movies, so there's no point. I guess I should write something, so here it is in point form:



-Peter Parker bitten by radioactive spider, gets spider powers

-Uncle Ben dies, with great power comes great responsibility, yadda yadda...

-Loves Mary Jane (the girl, not the drug)

-Shoots webs, sticks to walls, superhuman strength and agility, spider-sense tingles when danger is imminent

-Works as photographer for the Daily Bugle, boss is J.Jonah Jameson (who's a cigar-chewing grumpy-ass jerk)

-Enemies include Sandman, Green Goblin, Rhino, Doc Ock, Mysterio, Vulture, Scorpion, Venom, The Lizard, Kraven the Hunter, etc., etc.

-Had a costume that was a living alien organism - turned out to be a parasitic symbiote so he got rid of it, inadvertantly creating Venom

-Had a clone named Ben Reilly/Scarlet Spider

-Goes by the nicknames of "Wall-Crawler", "Spidey", "Web-Slinger" and "Web-Head"



I'm sure I could go on and on.......



Anyway, Spidey is awesome! I'm stoked to get lots of photos. I have a few so far, but I'm going to save them for the next "Sordid Life of Action Figures" episode. I'm also working on something really huge with regards to my action figures. To find out what it is, you'll just have to tune in next time.



Until then:

May the Force be with you...

Live Music Photography

My blog description says that I am a photographer, and yet I rarely use this site to promote my photography business at all. Guess it's time to change that. Today, I'm going to showcase some of the awesome shots I have of the Winnipeg music scene. Some of the bands I have photographed over the years include Pushing Daisies, The Hummers, Telepathic Butterflies, The Attics, ASADO, and more. As you can see, I take this type of work very seriously and I'm very proud of the results I get.

Do you play in a band and need some exposure? (Hah! Get it? Exposure? .....OK, lame...) My price for coverage of a live show is a mere $90 ($45 payable in advance at the show before it starts; the rest at delivery of the final images). This includes a disc of all of the photos in full resolution as well as websized, as well as up to five 8x10's (one for each band member). There will be full coverage of the performance, as well as a handfull of off-stage candids (time permitting).



I can also provide you with promotional materials such as flyers, posters and album images, as well as on-location or studio promo shoots. Please contact me for a price quote on these items. If you would like to hire me for an upcoming show, or would just like to know more, please contact me at : andonator2000@yahoo.ca



andy bailer

May the Force be with you...

Marvel Legends - Sasquatch

I finally got my Sasquatch figure in the mail. The collection grows to 6 figures! Oooh! Once again, I purchased him loose (i.e.: out of the package, used) from a seller on EBay. Compared to all the other Marvel figs I have, Sasquatch is way bigger - about 8 inches tall rather than the standard 6". He's basically a huge ape-like dude covered in thick orange (vinyl) hair. He looks pretty mean, too. He's one of the few Marvel Comics characters able to go toe-to-toe with the Hulk, even though he usually loses. I haven't played with him too much yet, but he's going to be a fun character to work into the ongoing storyline of "The Sordid Life of Action Figures" (scroll down to see Episode 1). As to where he'll fit in, we'll just have to get the pictures first and sort it out from there.

Sasquatch

I don't know how familiar you are with the legend of the Sasquatch, but I highly recommend listening to the song by Tenacious D, appropriately titled Sasquatch. OK, so this song has nothing to do with the comic book character, but it's funny and somewhat relevant. I'm sure you are familiar with the whole Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Yeti thing - you know, large half-man half-ape thing that a bunch of people believe in but nobody's really ever seen except for some really badly filmed and most likely faked Super 8 movie footage. Yeah, they found footprints, got some audio, plenty of eyewitness accounts - but nobody's been able to definitively prove anything. This Sasquatch however, although he looks similar, is totally different.


In the comics, Sasquatch is a founding member of Alpha Flight - the Canadian Superhero team. He first appeared in Uncanny X-Men #120 along with the rest of the team who were on a mission to retrieve Wolverine, an ex-super agent from the Canadian Government who went AWOL to join the X-Men in the US. (I for one will certainly vote for the next Canadian Political Party that supports the creation of Superheroes!) Alpha Flight was created by John Byrne, comic book writer/artist extraordinaire who actually lived in Canada for a good length of time. As cool as Alpha Flight is, I should probably save the rest of the discussion about the team for another time.

Sasquatch started out as Dr. Walter Langkowski, renowned bio-physicist and contemporary of Dr. Bruce Banner (aka - the Hulk). Walter also played professional football with the Green Bay Packers - prior to receiving his super powers, no doubt. He attained said powers by trying to replicate the conditions which turned Banner into the Hulk. His laboratory was located near the Arctic Circle, and supposedly the proximity of the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) had some sort of effect on the process, so instead of changing him into a green-skinned goliath, he was transformed into a much bigger, much cuddlier orange-furred ape-like beast. Langkowski also noticed that he was able to retain his human intelligence while in the Sasquatch form and make the transformation at will, unlike Bruce Banner, who changed into the brainless Hulk when sufficiently enraged. As ‘Squatch’, he had phenomenal superhuman strength and endurance, and was a perfect choice for a member of the newly formed Alpha Flight team.

Along with teammates Guardian (or Vindicator), Shaman, Aurora & Northstar, Snowbird, Puck and Marina, Sasquatch fought for truth, justice, and the Canadian Way. The team appeared in a few issues of X-Men, Marvel Team-Up (alongside Spider-Man), Marvel Superhero Contest of Champions and a few other books before they were given their own title in 1983. For me, this was the height of my teenage comic collecting career, and Alpha Flight #1 was my absolute favourite comic book ever for a long, long time. Being Canadian, how could I resist reading about superheroes from my own country? They actually even had adventures in Winnipeg now and again!

As time went on, Sasquatch found that he was becoming more prone to fly into bestial rages while in his transformed state. What he didn’t know then was that when he originally got his powers, his spirit was infused with Tanaraq, one of the Great Beasts of Inuit legends. The beast was slowly taking control of him, and in Alpha Flight #23 (which replaced issue #1 as my favourite of the series), Tanaraq took full control of Sasquatch in the middle of a battle with a super-villain on the streets of downtown Vancouver. In order to defeat him, Snowbird transformed herself into a white-furred Sasquatch (‘cause she can do that, eh?) and ripped out his heart, killing Walter Langkowski in the process.

But this was not the end – heck, no. In order to save Langkowski, Alpha Flight travelled to the mystical Land of the Great Beasts to retrieve his soul. His body crumbled to dust however, and they had to put his life essence into the robot body of Box (another future A.F. member). Later, when trying to find another host body for him, they happened upon the Hulk travelling through a dimensional portal. Turns out the Hulk didn’t want to be possessed by Walter’s soul, so he kicked the crap out of Alpha Flight and took off, leaving Langkowski’s soul supposedly lost forever (again).

From here it gets even more bizarre. About 20 issues later, long after writer/artist John Byrne quit working on the book, Walter came back from the dead, this time inhabiting the shrunken body of Smart Alec, a villain who literally lost his mind and was kept in Limbo inside Shaman’s magical Medicine Bag. Being only 6 inches tall kind of sucked, so the team decided to give him a new body – Snowbird’s. Now he could transform into Sasquatch yet again, only with white fur. The problem was, however, that Snowbird (who sacrificed herself) was female, and if Walter wanted to become human, he could only become a woman. At that point, he took the name of Wanda Langkowski. Although I for one was glad to see Sasquatch return, the storyline was just getting too ridiculous, and I think I quit reading it around this point. Apparently, things eventually came full circle and the comic book writers went back to the normal orange-furred, male Sasquatch.

In summary, even though some weird and outrageous stuff has been done with this character, he’s still one of my absolute favourites, along with Thor, the Hulk and Spider-Man. Being as powerful and cool-looking as I think he is, the main point of this post is to educate you in the ways of Sasquatch so that he gets the love I think he deserves. I know that I`m going to love photographing and making up stories about him. Right now I`m thinking of coming up with some sort of love triangle type of storyline involving him and Power Man and (of course) Barbie. Just like his comic book history, I`m sure it`s going to be weird.



Until next time:

May the Force be with you...

More Old Movie Reviews

When it comes to movies, some people say I hate everything. Yeah, I hate a lot of stuff, but not everything. I post these old movie reviews that I did on the Yahoo! Movies website over the years to show that there is some stuff that I like. If you've read my blog before, you'll know that I'm a sci-fi/fantasy fan, and love anything to do with Godzilla, Star Wars or comic book superheroes. I don't exclusively enjoy these types of movies, however. Every once in a while, it's nice to see something totally different. In fact, there are some recent comic book movies I didn't really like (Punisher War Zone, Incredible Hulk), and I'm not all that into the Star Wars:Clone Wars series. (But Godzilla is still awesome!!)

Looking back at some of the reviews I've done, I was surprised to note that not one movie I reviewed got an F grade. I guess all that this really means is that I'll only review a movie that's worth reviewing - something I liked or was maybe expecting to like but didn't. I'm sure that once I get around to it and find the time, I'll go back and give out some highly deserved 'F's.

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Daredevil (2003)

Not as bad as they say..... (Dec 10, 2005) OK. So this movie isn't the wicked coolest superhero movie ever made. Then again, Daredevil isn't the wicked coolest superhero to begin with.....let's face it, DD is not one of Marvel Comics most memorable comic book series....but it's not bad.....I like the whole "overcoming obstacles" message to it....Ben Affleck isn't nearly as annoying in this movie as I was expecting him to be (like in Pearl Harbour)...he was actually decent...Jennifer Garner is an overactress, though....well, so's Ben, but, anyway..............I like Colin Farell in this movie....his character was slightly different in the comic books, but he brought Bullseye to life in the film....black kingpin was an unforseen change, though....that seemed to work out allright.....you can't NOT like Michael Clarke Duncan in any movie.....if you don't like him, he'll come to your house and crush your damn dirty human head.... If you like superhero movies, check it out, even if just to compare it with other ones. Some of the effects are really neat, and the action's pretty good too...

Overall Grade : B-


Story : B-
Acting : B
Direction : C+
Visuals : B+



 

Citizen Kane (1941)

Intelligent, but dated.... (Dec 10, 2005) I had watched this movie thinking that it was going to change my life....it is supposed to be a classic after all...upon viewing it, I was pleased to find out that it is a really solid, ahead-of-it's-time kind of movie that teaches us all the lesson that Disney has copied and overdone to death: "It's not what you have, but what you are." At the time this movie was made, it probably had more impact, but having heard so much about it and having seen countless parodies and rip-offs before seeing the movie itself ruined it for me. If I saw this movie in the theatre the year that it was first released, I would give it an A+. In the new pseudo-savvy and jaded millenium, I give it a B+. I've seen it all before....even though what I saw before actually came out after....I WOULD, however, recommend this movie over Casablanca - a movie, for which, I have never understood the widespread appeal....

Overall Grade : B+

Story : B
Acting : A-
Direction : A
Visuals : B




 

Spirited Away (2002)

Totally cool...but what is it? (Dec 10, 2005) This was an awesome movie to look at....I was just a little lost in the story, which seemed to go off onto a different tangent every 10 minutes...Confusing? Yes. Worth the confusion? HELL, yes. INFINITELY superior to any animated (or computer-animated) movie to come out of North America in the last 5 years, in terms of sheer originality and level of intricacy. Not fully understanding the story upon first viewing just made me want to watch it again. It was just as good that time too.
Overall Grade : A-


Story : B
Acting : B+
Direction : A
Visuals : A+

My Super Ex-Girlfriend (2006)

Entertaining and Fun (Mar 18, 2007) I was not expecting too much from this movie. My wife brought it home, and I thought it would be just another chick flick with a twist. Turns out that that's exactly what it is, but it really worked for me. I am not a fan of Uma Thurman (Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill are total garbage IMO), but she really played the part well. Luke Wilson was actually perfect for his role - not even his brother Owen could have been better as the freaked-out boyfriend. As one reviewer already pointed out, the special effects are cheesy and sometimes downright lame, but you'll be laughing too much to even care. If your wife/girlfriend wants to see this movie, do yourself and her a favor, and rent it. Beats the crap (literally) out of Legally Blonde or anything starring Drew Barrymore.

Overall Grade : B+


Story : B
Acting : B+
Direction : A-
Visuals : B+

The Ugly Truth (2009)

Not for men...at all (Dec 30, 2009) I can't believe that my wife brought this home and thought that I'd actually enjoy it. Just another lame 'rom-com', this time starring the chick who cries in every scene on Grey's Anatomy and the guy who either whispers or yells every line from 300. Ladies, you might like it. Men, make sure you're wife doesn't make you watch it. You won't like it.

Overall Grade : D+


Story : D+
Acting : C+
Direction : D
Visuals : C

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Judging from that last review, I'd say that there are at least a few movies that I actually hate - I just don't give them all F's. I think to be a fair critic, you need to give any movie at least a little credit that maybe someone out there would like it and there's a reason why it was made. Life's too short to be goin' 'round hatin' on everything!

May the Force be with you...

The Sordid Life of Action Figures - Episode I

PARTY AT THE CLUBHOUSE

Power Man had no idea what kind of surprise Thor had in mind for Loki's birthday party. Perhaps Thor didn't, either. He seemed pretty normal after their morning coffee...

Later that night, after all the guests arrived, Loki was certainly surprised that Power Man even remembered his birthday. The two had never really spent much time together and only knew each other through Thor, and Loki had to admit that he'd never even read Power Man's comic book before.

Things started off pretty good. The food was great and the conversation was stimulating. Everyone had more than a few drinks, and like usual, Power Man was starting to get a little loud. He was mostly going off about his deteriorating relationship with Barbie, and making rude comments about dolls in general.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Thor leaped across the room and began beating Loki with a chair. It all happened so fast that Power Man, as drunk as he was, couldn't even react. He'd known Thor to get angry, but this was different. This was pure berserker rage. He didn't even use his hammer. No one else knew it at the time, but apparently Thor had never forgiven Loki for turning him into a frog those many years ago. That, and the fact that Loki had attempted to kill Thor on at least 300 seperate occasions was too much for the Thunder God to keep bottled up inside him any longer. In a flash of violence, it was all over. Thor strode out the door, thunder booming and lightning flashing all around him.

The next day, back on his farm, Loki had managed to escape the ordeal with only a broken nose and some bruises. He'd been beaten up by his brother Thor hundreds of times in the past millenium, but this time was different. To be invited to the Good Guys' clubhouse and beaten senseless in front of everyone was humiliating enough - never mind how stupid Loki felt for falling into such an obvious trap.

This time, even though he'd said it hundreds of times before, Loki swore that he'd get his revenge on Thor. He immediately began new plans for the destruction of all of the Good Guys and their clubhouse. The animals all eagerly awaited their instructions from the Lord of the Farm. Unfortunately, Cow spoke out of turn and had to be punished.

When Barbie asked him about the chair-beating incident the next day, Power Man got angry and told her to mind her own business. Truth was, he couldn't even really remember what happened after the fourth or fifth round of tequila shots. He also threatened that if she called him her 'little man' one more time, he would slap her silly.

Meanwhile, back at the Clubhouse, there was an enormous mess to be cleaned up. The task fell to Arwen Evenstar, who had recently been hired on as 'personal assistant' (ie:housekeeper). After two weeks of cleaning up after the likes of the Thing and King Kong, she began to wonder why she'd ever applied for this crazy job. It seemed she was better off back in Middle Earth fighting trolls and orcs than cleaning the bathroom after Power Man's been in there....

to be continued...